Disability Has Made Me The Empathetic Person I Am Today
By Helen Sims (Pictured).
As I sit here the pain is ripping through my body. It is relentless,
like waves hitting rocks on a stormy day and I’m writing this off the
cuff as it were, purely as a distraction.
I want it to stop. I feel like something evil is gnawing on my muscles and positively relishing it!
Painkillers will take the edge off…for about half an hour.
I guess I should’ve known yesterday that today would be worse. I was
aching you see, aching badly, but I still wanted to go for a walk
because the sun was out. My husband lovingly calls me ‘the hermit’ and I
wanted to prove him wrong.
Every physio I have ever had told me I need exercise, especially
since my pulmonary embolism in two thousand and five. I have to stay as
active and fit as I can, but it is so hard to stay motivated and keep
doing it when you know that it will hurt later, if it doesn’t already.
It drains my energy so quickly. Sometimes I feel like a car running
on empty. I have to carry on but there is no fuel left, I have nothing
left to give.
On a side note, I often get this feeling about my friendships. Part
of my personality is that I am there for everybody, whenever they need
me. My husband calls it my ‘saintliness’ but it is just the way I am.
On days like today though, I admit to seeing their trivial little
worries as exactly that, and hate myself for it. He often reminds me
that very few of them have been there for me. “Isn’t that just the way
it is though?” I’ll say and he will roll his eyes. He’s wonderful! He
reminds me that I have enough to deal with!
The thing is, my disability has probably made me more empathetic and
more in tune with people, so yeah, thanks for that! I’m not saying I am
an angel. I can be horribly moody and sometimes very depressed. That is
just life. Everybody gets depressed and everybody has tough times, but
it is how you get through it that matters.
The pain is no better and despite having enjoyed talking to you,
(please forgive my disjointed ramblings) I still want to throw something
out of sheer frustration! Yes I admit it, there is a bit of self pity
mixed in today too, because I did not ask for this, and there is no
‘end’ for me like there is for others with problems. There is no
solution.
But, I will not give up, EVER, even though right now part of me wants
to. I have an amazing husband and a very strong marriage. I have my
family and I have my writing (for what it is worth)!
When I finish typing I will go and curl up in my husband’s arms and I
might even finally cry, but I know that all this HAS made me stronger. I
hope it continues to do so. What I’m trying to say, is that, even when
it doesn’t feel like it, even when it seems like there is just too much
pain, you can always find a little strength from somewhere.
Please don’t give up.
